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Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Challenged To Honor....
At the risk of exposing family dirty laundry but in an effort to be real and authentic I am going to write a painful post that doesn't feel good to write. I believe in covering nakedness and not exposing things to make anyone feel ashamed. But if my words can reach anyone... even one person, then I know it will be worth it. I pray as I write that this story could make a difference to someone.
My blog is Esther based. Believing that I can change things with my influence if I am only brave enough.
Writing this post takes courage. Believe me. *tears falling*
I have always tried to be me on my blog. I am passionate about a lot of things and I have written about many of them with conviction. I wrote about my word for the year on January 22, 2011. My word was "honor."
I had no way of knowing at the time that one little word would challenge me on so many levels. Before I share what happened, let me give you some equally painful background.
My son, Jordan was rejected by his father primarily because he was born with Down Syndrome. He didn't have the character or integrity raise a child with special needs. In fact, he was even too ashamed to tell people he had a son. So, for the most part, he didn't. Only his family knew and that was because he and I were still together and talking about a future when I got pregnant.
How anyone could walk away from my sweet boy is beyond me, but it was truly his loss.
Over the years when I thought about him, I recognized the character flaw and accepted that he just didn't have it in him to do the right thing. But here's the thing that disturbed me the most, he is one very flawed man but he has many brothers and sisters, cousins, nieces and nephews. When I say many, he has 16 siblings. Family gatherings can reach numbers in the hundreds. But not even one of those family members had the character to reach out and find out how Jordan was doing. No birthday or Christmas cards, no phone calls... nothing. Ever.
I was a 20 year old single mom with a new baby with Down Syndrome and no one ever cared to find out if we were doing OK. We were. Jordan brought joys and blessings into my life that I never could have imagined at the time. I have said before and I will say again, he taught me more than I will ever teach him.
He is truly a gift and I am not just saying that. Even in the hard times, I can count it all for joy.
Jordan was not the only abandoned child in my family. There was a lot of abandonment. Of course this is something that really shaped who I am, how I feel, and why I have some of the very strong convictions that I do.
It wasn't long into 2011 when I found out about another child who had been abandoned. Not in my family but by my family. The shoe was suddenly on the other foot. Someone who I am related to had a child, and walked away from the pregnant mama. With the birth of that child was also born a devastating secret. A secret that would be kept for 10 years. Please understand me, the devastation is certainly not that the child was born, but that his daddy walked away and kept it a secret.
And we became that family. The one who allowed a little boy to grow to be 10 years old without ever knowing if anyone on his daddy's side cared for him.
There was some debate about who knew and who didn't, who may have suspected but lived in denial, and honestly a lot of pointing fingers and blame.
But the bottom line is that NOW we knew. And what were we going to do with it?
The truth was out, the secret exposed and plenty of shame to be had.
It seems that it should be a very clear answer as to what to do, but it wasn't that easy. Things like misplaced loyalty, and defense mechanisms came into question. We were never meant to carry such guilt shame and it is a heavy burden. It makes it pretty hard to see the forest through the trees.
But... My word for the year was honor. And while I was not even thinking about that at the time, my heart ached with desire to act honorably. To bring honor to a situation that was just the opposite.
My husband and I agreed that no matter what anyone else would do, he and I would do the best we can to do the righteous thing. The honorable thing.
There are still gaping wounds in our family over this situation. We are praying for healing and restoration. We have begun to have a relationship with a sweet little boy who deserves to know that we care.
The boy's father needs prayer. He has another child too who is suffering while he is unable or unwilling to be a good parent. I have always believed in second chances, you may have chosen wrong at the time... but what will you do when you know better? Every day is an opportunity to turn the ship around. We are thankful for grace as we walk through this journey and search for answers in how we can make a difference.
It is not lost on me that I am in the middle of this. Who better to speak into the lives of alcoholics, someone who has never had a drink or someone who lived it and recovered? I know what it's like to feel abandoned and I know what it's like to raise a child who was. Now, I am put here "for such a time as this", hoping to influence and change the course of events. Praying I can show understanding to the mom who has raised this little boy by herself. Praying I can show compassion for the broken man who walked away. Praying we will have the open door to begin the healing process with everyone involved. Praying I have the wisdom and courage to help lead a family back into honor.
I am thankful that choosing one little word, ("Honor") even without realizing it, would prepare me for events I never could have anticipated. It was a guiding light in the dark. It was the one clear truth and the only answer. "Honor." It still is.
But I think this year I will choose something lighter... perhaps "fun".
My blog is Esther based. Believing that I can change things with my influence if I am only brave enough.
Writing this post takes courage. Believe me. *tears falling*
I have always tried to be me on my blog. I am passionate about a lot of things and I have written about many of them with conviction. I wrote about my word for the year on January 22, 2011. My word was "honor."
I had no way of knowing at the time that one little word would challenge me on so many levels. Before I share what happened, let me give you some equally painful background.
My son, Jordan was rejected by his father primarily because he was born with Down Syndrome. He didn't have the character or integrity raise a child with special needs. In fact, he was even too ashamed to tell people he had a son. So, for the most part, he didn't. Only his family knew and that was because he and I were still together and talking about a future when I got pregnant.
How anyone could walk away from my sweet boy is beyond me, but it was truly his loss.
Over the years when I thought about him, I recognized the character flaw and accepted that he just didn't have it in him to do the right thing. But here's the thing that disturbed me the most, he is one very flawed man but he has many brothers and sisters, cousins, nieces and nephews. When I say many, he has 16 siblings. Family gatherings can reach numbers in the hundreds. But not even one of those family members had the character to reach out and find out how Jordan was doing. No birthday or Christmas cards, no phone calls... nothing. Ever.
I was a 20 year old single mom with a new baby with Down Syndrome and no one ever cared to find out if we were doing OK. We were. Jordan brought joys and blessings into my life that I never could have imagined at the time. I have said before and I will say again, he taught me more than I will ever teach him.
He is truly a gift and I am not just saying that. Even in the hard times, I can count it all for joy.
Jordan was not the only abandoned child in my family. There was a lot of abandonment. Of course this is something that really shaped who I am, how I feel, and why I have some of the very strong convictions that I do.
It wasn't long into 2011 when I found out about another child who had been abandoned. Not in my family but by my family. The shoe was suddenly on the other foot. Someone who I am related to had a child, and walked away from the pregnant mama. With the birth of that child was also born a devastating secret. A secret that would be kept for 10 years. Please understand me, the devastation is certainly not that the child was born, but that his daddy walked away and kept it a secret.
And we became that family. The one who allowed a little boy to grow to be 10 years old without ever knowing if anyone on his daddy's side cared for him.
There was some debate about who knew and who didn't, who may have suspected but lived in denial, and honestly a lot of pointing fingers and blame.
But the bottom line is that NOW we knew. And what were we going to do with it?
The truth was out, the secret exposed and plenty of shame to be had.
It seems that it should be a very clear answer as to what to do, but it wasn't that easy. Things like misplaced loyalty, and defense mechanisms came into question. We were never meant to carry such guilt shame and it is a heavy burden. It makes it pretty hard to see the forest through the trees.
But... My word for the year was honor. And while I was not even thinking about that at the time, my heart ached with desire to act honorably. To bring honor to a situation that was just the opposite.
My husband and I agreed that no matter what anyone else would do, he and I would do the best we can to do the righteous thing. The honorable thing.
There are still gaping wounds in our family over this situation. We are praying for healing and restoration. We have begun to have a relationship with a sweet little boy who deserves to know that we care.
The boy's father needs prayer. He has another child too who is suffering while he is unable or unwilling to be a good parent. I have always believed in second chances, you may have chosen wrong at the time... but what will you do when you know better? Every day is an opportunity to turn the ship around. We are thankful for grace as we walk through this journey and search for answers in how we can make a difference.
It is not lost on me that I am in the middle of this. Who better to speak into the lives of alcoholics, someone who has never had a drink or someone who lived it and recovered? I know what it's like to feel abandoned and I know what it's like to raise a child who was. Now, I am put here "for such a time as this", hoping to influence and change the course of events. Praying I can show understanding to the mom who has raised this little boy by herself. Praying I can show compassion for the broken man who walked away. Praying we will have the open door to begin the healing process with everyone involved. Praying I have the wisdom and courage to help lead a family back into honor.
I am thankful that choosing one little word, ("Honor") even without realizing it, would prepare me for events I never could have anticipated. It was a guiding light in the dark. It was the one clear truth and the only answer. "Honor." It still is.
But I think this year I will choose something lighter... perhaps "fun".
Monday, January 2, 2012
Yesterday and Tomorrow...
This is my living room all set for Christmas. It came and went so fast. Aside from the gifts that have all been dispersed and opened, this is still what my living room looks like. I will be sad to take it all down and put it away. It really seems like it was only yesterday that we put it all up. I am enjoying it a little longer this year than most because I am waiting for Jack to come home and help me put it all up, so for now... I am sitting in here right now, next to the tree and the fireplace... contemplating the things I want to achieve this year. Is it ironic that I am surrounded by trappings of the past but planning for the future? Maybe...
In any case here are a few of my goals:
1) Project 365. I want to take a lot more pictures this year, taking at least one per day should help me achieve that.
2) One Little Word. (Ali Edwards) As I did last year, I plan to choose a word and make it my theme.
3) Bible Studies
4) Live in the moment
5) Blog, Write, Create
These are just a few of mine... what are yours?
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Restored & Refreshed for 2012
Happy New Year, Friends. 2011 is behind us and a fresh new beginning has arrived. I tend to be nostalgic at New Year's. It's not because I don't want to let go of the past year, because I generally meet a new year with hope and high expectation. I get sentimental because I reflect on the past year with joy in my heart for the good memories and a bit of angst over the rough times. But either way, ready to start anew.
2011 definitely brought us our share of both blessings and challenges. Throughout it all, I found it difficult to blog this past year. There are multiple reasons for that: I ran into obstacles that squelched my creativity, negative people who I allowed to get under my skin, and personal insecurities that seemed to have a loud voice and more muscle than they ever should have had.
I have realized that while the enemy had some good days in attempting to take me out, he couldn't even conquer me on my worst day.
I am back, I am strong, I am determined, and I have joy that can't be stolen and hope that can't be deferred.
Proverbs 13:12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
Our family saw some major changes this past year. My courageous husband took a leap of faith and left his job with a company he had worked with for 22 years. He did it because he could see the writing on the wall and that the company was heading for trouble. He knew that it would be too late to make a move if he waited for the public announcements confirming his gut feelings.
It was a scary move and not without sacrifice. The new opportunity took him away from us and out of the country for 4 months. The new job was not guaranteed; he had to pass training, which was very difficult. Very difficult! But Jack has the personality to buckle down, focus and study hard. Not only would he pass, he would do it with high praise. The company my husband worked for is American Airlines. They recently filed for bankruptcy. Unlike many other pilots and families at American right now, we are not worried about his job security and our future. That man is my hero.
My word for the year of 2011 was, "Honor". Little did I know at the time how much I would be challenged when it came to this word and my attempts to live by this standard.
The opposite of honor could arguably be shame or disgrace.
Sometimes you come to an unexpected place in your life with a fork in the road and it presents you with a choice. One road before you is honorable and one road is shameful. At the point of reaching that fateful decision, you may have been traveling down one of those paths already, whether you realized it or not.
What happened in our family this past year came as a shock that revealed both shame and disgrace, and without even realizing it, we were complicit. But we met the fork and I am proud to say that we are now in the road towards honor. This is a journey, not a destination.
What we experienced this past year, and what we are looking forward to this year, are all blog posts waiting to be written. With that said, I return to this world that I have missed so much. The friendship, support, creativity and connectedness.
Thank you to those of you who have been encouraging me to come back, to those who checked in on me to make sure that I was OK, and to those of you who stopped by and even wondered where I was.
I am so excited about sharing 2012 with you,
and the journey begins now.
Happy New Year!
2011 definitely brought us our share of both blessings and challenges. Throughout it all, I found it difficult to blog this past year. There are multiple reasons for that: I ran into obstacles that squelched my creativity, negative people who I allowed to get under my skin, and personal insecurities that seemed to have a loud voice and more muscle than they ever should have had.
I have realized that while the enemy had some good days in attempting to take me out, he couldn't even conquer me on my worst day.
I am back, I am strong, I am determined, and I have joy that can't be stolen and hope that can't be deferred.
Proverbs 13:12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
Our family saw some major changes this past year. My courageous husband took a leap of faith and left his job with a company he had worked with for 22 years. He did it because he could see the writing on the wall and that the company was heading for trouble. He knew that it would be too late to make a move if he waited for the public announcements confirming his gut feelings.
It was a scary move and not without sacrifice. The new opportunity took him away from us and out of the country for 4 months. The new job was not guaranteed; he had to pass training, which was very difficult. Very difficult! But Jack has the personality to buckle down, focus and study hard. Not only would he pass, he would do it with high praise. The company my husband worked for is American Airlines. They recently filed for bankruptcy. Unlike many other pilots and families at American right now, we are not worried about his job security and our future. That man is my hero.
My word for the year of 2011 was, "Honor". Little did I know at the time how much I would be challenged when it came to this word and my attempts to live by this standard.
The opposite of honor could arguably be shame or disgrace.
Sometimes you come to an unexpected place in your life with a fork in the road and it presents you with a choice. One road before you is honorable and one road is shameful. At the point of reaching that fateful decision, you may have been traveling down one of those paths already, whether you realized it or not.
What happened in our family this past year came as a shock that revealed both shame and disgrace, and without even realizing it, we were complicit. But we met the fork and I am proud to say that we are now in the road towards honor. This is a journey, not a destination.
What we experienced this past year, and what we are looking forward to this year, are all blog posts waiting to be written. With that said, I return to this world that I have missed so much. The friendship, support, creativity and connectedness.
Thank you to those of you who have been encouraging me to come back, to those who checked in on me to make sure that I was OK, and to those of you who stopped by and even wondered where I was.
I am so excited about sharing 2012 with you,
and the journey begins now.
Happy New Year!
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Things That Matter
When my dad left, I thought I was no longer a whole person. I felt different. Transformed into a partial person. I didn't even think I looked the same anymore. To say that my world was rocked would be an understatement.
Ispent wasted years being bitter, and feeling sorry for myself. I kept a record of wrongs for every birthday that went ignored, every family event I didn't get invited to and every father/daughter moment that I felt entitled to... that I didn't get. He didn't understand me. He couldn't comprehend my pain. Or what I needed from him.
In trying to fill the void he left, I made terrible choices. I allowed myself to be abused and mistreated. I truly didn't know that I deserved any better...
Until I began to feel the love of a Heavenly Father who thinks I am a princess. Who lifted my chin, and brushed off the dirt, bandaged my wounds, and made me feel special.
Do you know what that did for my earthly father? It let him off the hook. I could see him then as a man. Who was just as broken as me. Trying to make a way, with circumstances he wasn't capable of managing. He did the best he could with what he had at the time.
My hard heart started to soften. And then I got the call.
He was in a hospital. He'd had a sudden heart attack. He had died and then been brought back to life.
But... he was unconscious, and it didn't look good.
I raced to the hospital and I saw him there in all his humanness. All I could think was that we were still unfinished. Too many words unspoken. All of a sudden, it didn't matter if he called me or I called him... but just that the calling took place. In an instant, I realized that I had to accept him for who he was, and not who I wanted him to be.
I was never more painfully aware of things that matter... and things that don't.
My dad got a second chance at life. And while our relationship is still a bit distant...
I have forgiven you, Dad. And in making that single decision... I am also free to walk out my life
with love and grace.
I hope you all will think about things that matter... and things that don't.
Let your minds and hearts be made new. ~ Ephesians 4:23
I
In trying to fill the void he left, I made terrible choices. I allowed myself to be abused and mistreated. I truly didn't know that I deserved any better...
Until I began to feel the love of a Heavenly Father who thinks I am a princess. Who lifted my chin, and brushed off the dirt, bandaged my wounds, and made me feel special.
Do you know what that did for my earthly father? It let him off the hook. I could see him then as a man. Who was just as broken as me. Trying to make a way, with circumstances he wasn't capable of managing. He did the best he could with what he had at the time.
My hard heart started to soften. And then I got the call.
He was in a hospital. He'd had a sudden heart attack. He had died and then been brought back to life.
But... he was unconscious, and it didn't look good.
I raced to the hospital and I saw him there in all his humanness. All I could think was that we were still unfinished. Too many words unspoken. All of a sudden, it didn't matter if he called me or I called him... but just that the calling took place. In an instant, I realized that I had to accept him for who he was, and not who I wanted him to be.
I was never more painfully aware of things that matter... and things that don't.
My dad got a second chance at life. And while our relationship is still a bit distant...
I have forgiven you, Dad. And in making that single decision... I am also free to walk out my life
with love and grace.
I hope you all will think about things that matter... and things that don't.
This post was inspired by lyrics from the Rascal Flatts song "Things That Matter"
Sometimes he lets that boss get in his head
He can't see past that mountain of deadlines on his desk
5oclock he's that last one out of the gate
And he gets cut off flipped off ticked off out on the interstate
And he wonders why this world won't leave him alone
Till he hears that little voice holler “daddy's home”
Things that matter
Things that don't
She's held on to that grudge all her life
Had thirty years of anger
Since her dad walked out that night
She thinks of all the moments that he's missed
All the birthdays ballets first dates
That seems too much to forget
She gets that call that said he don't have long
She walks in
He starts crying
The past is gone
Things that matter
Things that don't
Time ain't on my side
Don't want to leave this world
With why didn't I?
Why didn't I?
Yeah why didn't I?
Sometimes I take on this world by myself
Thinking I got all the answers
Don't need anybody's help
Well god was right there waiting for me all along
To fall down on my knees surrender all
Things that matter
Things that don't
Things that matter
Things that don't
Let your minds and hearts be made new. ~ Ephesians 4:23
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