Challenged To Honor....

At the risk of exposing family dirty laundry but in an effort to be real and authentic I am going to write a painful post that doesn't feel good to write.  I believe in covering nakedness and not exposing things to make anyone feel ashamed.  But if my words can reach anyone... even one person, then I know it will be worth it.  I pray as I write that this story could make a difference to someone.
My blog is Esther based.  Believing that I can change things with my influence if I am only brave enough.
Writing this post takes courage.  Believe me.  *tears falling*

I have always tried to be me on my blog.  I am passionate about a lot of things and I have written about many of them with conviction.  I wrote about my word for the year on January 22, 2011.  My word was "honor."

I had no way of knowing at the time that one little word would challenge me on so many levels.  Before I share what happened, let me give you some equally painful background.
My son, Jordan was rejected by his father primarily because he was born with Down Syndrome.  He didn't have the character or integrity raise a child with special needs.  In fact, he was even too ashamed to tell people he had a son.  So, for the most part, he didn't.  Only his family knew and that was because he and I were still together and talking about a future when I got pregnant.

How anyone could walk away from my sweet boy is beyond me, but it was truly his loss.

Over the years when I thought about him, I recognized the character flaw and accepted that he just didn't have it in him to do the right thing.  But here's the thing that disturbed me the most, he is one very flawed man but he has many brothers and sisters, cousins, nieces and nephews.  When I say many, he has 16 siblings.  Family gatherings can reach numbers in the hundreds.  But not even one of those family members had the character to reach out and find out how Jordan was doing.  No birthday or Christmas cards, no phone calls... nothing.  Ever.

I was a 20 year old single mom with a new baby with Down Syndrome and no one ever cared to find out if we were doing OK.  We were.  Jordan brought joys and blessings into my life that I never could have imagined at the time.  I have said before and I will say again, he taught me more than I will ever teach him.
He is truly a gift and I am not just saying that.  Even in the hard times, I can count it all for joy.

Jordan was not the only abandoned child in my family.  There was a lot of abandonment.  Of course this is something that really shaped who I am, how I feel, and why I have some of the very strong convictions that I do.

It wasn't long into 2011 when I found out about another child who had been abandoned.  Not in my family but by my family.  The shoe was suddenly on the other foot.  Someone who I am related to had a child, and walked away from the pregnant mama.  With the birth of that child was also born a devastating secret. A secret that would be kept for 10 years.  Please understand me, the devastation is certainly not that the child was born, but that his daddy walked away and kept it a secret.
And we became that family.  The one who allowed a little boy to grow to be 10 years old without ever knowing if anyone on his daddy's side cared for him.
There was some debate about who knew and who didn't, who may have suspected but lived in denial, and honestly a lot of pointing fingers and blame.
But the bottom line is that NOW we knew.  And what were we going to do with it?
The truth was out, the secret exposed and plenty of shame to be had.

It seems that it should be a very clear answer as to what to do, but it wasn't that easy.  Things like misplaced loyalty, and defense mechanisms came into question.  We were never meant to carry such guilt shame and it is a heavy burden.  It makes it pretty hard to see the forest through the trees.
But... My word for the year was honor.  And while I was not even thinking about that at the time, my heart ached with desire to act honorably.  To bring honor to a situation that was just the opposite.

My husband and I agreed that no matter what anyone else would do, he and I would do the best we can to do the righteous thing.  The honorable thing.

There are still gaping wounds in our family over this situation.  We are praying for healing and restoration. We have begun to have a relationship with a sweet little boy who deserves to know that we care.
The boy's father needs prayer.  He has another child too who is suffering while he is unable or unwilling to be a good parent.  I have always believed in second chances, you may have chosen wrong at the time... but what will you do when you know better?  Every day is an opportunity to turn the ship around.  We are thankful for grace as we walk through this journey and search for answers in how we can make a difference.

It is not lost on me that I am in the middle of this.  Who better to speak into the lives of alcoholics, someone who has never had a drink or someone who lived it and recovered?  I know what it's like to feel abandoned and I know what it's like to raise a child who was.  Now, I am put here "for such a time as this", hoping to influence and change the course of events.  Praying I can show understanding to the mom who has raised this little boy by herself.  Praying I can show compassion for the broken man who walked away.  Praying we will have the open door to begin the healing process with everyone involved.  Praying I have the wisdom and courage to help lead a family back into honor.

I am thankful that choosing one little word, ("Honor") even without realizing it, would prepare me for events I never could have anticipated.  It was a guiding light in the dark.  It was the one clear truth and the only answer.  "Honor."  It still is.

But I think this year I will choose something lighter... perhaps "fun".